Good or Bad?

A few nights ago at dinner, Laurel asked me, "Are you good or bad?"

I wasn't exactly sure where she was coming from. We'd had some differences in opinion over the amount of chocolate it was reasonable to consume in an afternoon. But I looked at her and paused for a moment and she seemed genuinely curious.

"I think I'm both. Sometimes good comes out and sometimes bad."

Earlier in the week, I'd gotten out of bed on decidedly the wrong side. I was stomping and grumbling my way through breakfast making in the kitchen when M asked me why I was in such a bad mood. This sort of exchange always has the potential to lead to who's-doing-more-for-the-family sort of fight. I said, "I didn't sleep enough, and the baby threw up all over my hair and I have hemorrhoids." I could have gone on, but he turned and gave me a hug and said, "Well then, you do have a reason to be in a bad mood."

And suddenly I was fine. All of the bad feelings coming out of me, confronted by a bit of compassion, morphed into good. I was amazed at how visceral my reaction was to his hug and it was a reminder of how I can react to Laurel's occasional wickedness.

When I look at Laurel and Mark O, I can't help but think that they'll be 13 or 33 or 43. They'll do good things. They'll do bad things. I'll love them no matter what. One of the hardest language habits for me to break is using the phrase "be a good girl." It's such a common utterance in our culture. But it's an unattainable state. They are going to do bad things. Say hurtful things. Judge people too harshly. Forget to be a steward of our earth and resources. Climb out the window into the flower box. (Guess which kid that was.)

My kids will also see other people doing good and bad things, and I want them to be able to separate the inherent complexity of a soul from the actions one commits. It's complicated to talk about and it requires a lot of "thinking before speaking" when I'm trying to discipline Laurel, and I imagine it will be the same way with Mark O.