My Fake Christmas List: A Series

Ironic Christmas Present Idea #1

We technically live in a very nice part of town. Walking distance to shopping, parks, a couple of decent schools. On a bus line. Big houses. Neighborhood organizations. Everything you want in urban living. However, there is a price to be paid for that kind of convenience, and if you can't pay the full price, you can just move to the very, very edge of the nice part of town. Here, you still can enjoy all the convenience, but in addition, have the added excitement of prostitution, drug dealing, and robbery. And you pray for gentrification. And spend a lot of time talking to the 911 dispatchers in the middle of the night.

Most people think you should reserve 911 for true emergencies, things that involve blood or screaming. However, when we had our free security screening from the community liaison police officer, he told us to always call if something seems weird, because 911 call logs are how they determine patrols. I can tell you from experience that getting calls like "There's a man standing on the corner across the street and a dog is barking like crazy at him" tend to annoy the 911 dispatchers. They, and rightly so, get a lot of calls that involve blood and screaming, and don't want the lines to be tied up by the crazy lady who is inexplicably up at all hours of the night calling 911 on people not obviously committing crimes. Nonetheless, they humor me and the police usually show up, shine their bright lights around and occasionally arrest someone. But usually the shady character takes off as soon as the cop car is within sight, and that's all I wanted anyway. Go away.

A Target is already under construction a mile down the road, and I won't need that silly door mat at this time next year, just you wait.